You Across Time

Stop. Breathe. Hear the wind around you. You too will be gone like it. Breathe. Just as the flowers on that curbside bloom on this sunny spring day you too will be gone tomorrow. Winter is coming – that cold dark uninvited guest.

When you look at a childhood photo of yourself you can recognize who you are. But your appearance then and now are completely different. What remains? This remnant of you, this essence, doesn’t seem tangible. You can’t pick it out of a facial feature like a bushy eyebrow or a bulbous nose. Still, you know deep down that something remains. Something or someone has reminds you of what and who you are. No matter when and where, no matter how much time has passed, you remain to yourself and to those who know you.

Surely you’re more durable than a year old Big Mac. That’s why Eastern wisdom doesn’t sit well with you. We’re just one drop returning into the ocean? When one is all and all is one then there is no individuality, no uniqueness, no you. No, there isn’t even love because love requires a relationship between different human beings. You’re indistinguishable from everything else.

When finally you return to the dust you came from then all will be one. No mom, no dad, no sister or brother. Nothing separates you. And nothingness unites you. Should you go gentle into that good night? Or does someone else remember you? Someone out there – the other. Someone from the stars? I shook my head. My breath sighed into the chilly night air and I walked in the theater. The Avengers were playing.

Disordered Loves

Unlikely Loves

Everyone loves love. Everyone desires love. The anticipation of its fulfillment in its object, the intense longing, the momentary feeling that all is right in the world in its presence, the sharp stabbing feeling of having and of losing, the intimacy of being known and knowing another, like there was no other person who were privy to the knowledge that you had received, the assurance of one’s commitment, the certainty of its endurance and the safety of its acceptance. Yes, all of it. But the object of our love is found in all sorts of strange things. A man ‘marries’ his phone. Narcissus falls in love with his reflection. We also find in our hearts, competing loves. That is, competing desires. The moment I wake up I face the desire to write competing with my love of sleep at 6 am.

The War of Loves

In the light of eternity, our whole lives is a war between loves. In our pursuit of happiness, fulfillment and transcendence, succumbing to some of these loves lead to fatal consequences while others to benefit. Will one choose their long term health or their appetite, and succumb to fatal heart disease? The struggles lies in the painstaking difficulty of giving up a good desire to one that is better. It is an inescapable reality of our lives. Every moment demands a choice. Every choice fulfills one desire and rejects another. Every desire fulfilled is the loss of another and what could have been. To be human is to love and to lose.

But if life is a war of our loves then we are losing it. How do we know the better loves then? Do we accept what society deems lovable or decide for ourselves? Caught in the midst of an affair, the bewildered husband utters “it just happened.” The high school girl, infatuated with the longing for one particular boy is encouraged to do what makes her happy. After all, love is love. Underneath the pining of our culture is an assumption that almost any love is a good one to be pursued. The news is filled with story after story of people giving in to their love all day long. Love is portrayed like cupid’s arrow, an enslaving, all consuming fiery passion that leaves no one outside its grasp. “It just happened.”

Though we know intuitively that love is only good through its appropriate expression and proportions, we are unable to tear ourselves away from certain desires. The love between a man and his wife can never be expressed in the same way to his daughter. Nor any other woman for that matter. Yet “it just happened”. These desires enslave us. they are our masters. At other times, we do not know which desires to follow and which to suppress if at all possible. Do I listen to my heart and break up with my girlfriend to pursue this girl? Is she the one? Blind to reality, we just have to “follow our hearts” and hope for the best.

Why We Don’t Love What We Should and Love What We Shouldn’t

Why do we do such things? Because the end of love’s pursuit is to deny what it knows is coming. The final defeat of death. Death envelops it all. There is no love that endures, no song that remains to be sung through the ages. If we live long enough the love we feel for another becomes bitter like wormwood. if we live short enough, we see death cruelly taking love before it has blossomed, leaving only broken hearts to ask what could have been. The good die young and the bad live long. Love is torn apart by untimely deaths, by broken hearts, by grief, tragedy and despair itself. Death destroys all knowledge of love and love itself. Love is subsumed into the void never to be remembered or lived again.

Deep down we know it to be true. And because we dread this, our “existential angst” leads us to spend our lives giving in to the wrong loves, indulging in our natural desires. Because the wrong loves are also the easiest loves. And if the right loves cease to matter then why waste precious labor to pursue what you will never have.

“What do I gain if, humanly speaking, I fought with beasts at Ephesus? If the dead are not raised, “Let us eat and drink, for tomorrow we die.” (1 Cor. 15:32)

What we call love is used to fill the chasm of our hearts caused by facing the reality that we will never find fulfillment in our lifetime. It is a fleeting glimpse, a momentary ecstasy. Like a flower it rises up today only to be gone tomorrow. Try as we might the desire for our transcendence never dies even in the face of the absurd. Even death laughs at our futile attempts to enjoy what we can never have.

The Message of Despair

In the midst of our struggle with our existence, we miss the message it sends. Whispering in our empty success, shouting in our pain. It says, “you were never made for this world”. No, the love in this world is merely a signpost to a greater one. One that is enduring and eternal. One that overcomes death. To love love is to completely miss the point. Love is love? Who strives to be happy for happiness’ sake?

We ought to strive to be happy in the object that it is found. But we do not think the same with love. We seek love on its own, without its object, in what we believe will bring it to us. Follow it however and you end up more disappointed than when you started. The love we glimpse in our life amidst our relationships were designed as images of a better one. To seek to find love outside off its narrow road is to be lost, never to find the way again unless by some miracle you stumble upon it.

We will never find love until we give up trying to find it in this life and find it in God. To face the absurd we must give up what we hope will deliver us and seek what we can have no hope of in this life. Yet this seems more absurd). If you consider this too difficult, ask: “is it worth it if it is true?”. We must face facts. We only have two choices. We must choose which loves to pursue. To decide to follow our heart desires death. To desire God is to desire life.

A Call to Trust

The war of loves then is a call to trust. Our hearts were never meant to lead but be led. Do we know which loves will make us happy or does the one who made us? The only reason why giving up our loves is unbearable is if we like children are so preoccupied playing with our mud pies that we have become blind to the sandcastle right next to us. Consider therefore whether you’re seeking love for its own sake or the God who is love.